Sometimes it is too easy to get angry with our children and it happens too frequently. With reactionary parenting so common in our times, it is hard to break out of the bad example set before us and to intentionally choose to be patient, loving, and kind with our children.
A while back, I felt like I was getting angry too often with my children. Perhaps you can relate, whether you experience anger with yourself, your spouse, your children, or others. There is a build in tension all day, and then finally you explode at your children in a fiery anger (perhaps akin to God the Father threatening to smote the Israelites). It’s not a pleasant feeling, and you know it needs to stop. A priest friend recommended reading a certain letter by St. John Bosco about dealing with anger when raising children. I’m glad he did.
It is so easy to get angry at your children. Too easy. So often it seems like it happens because we are overwhelmed, or tired, or hungry, or because our children are one of those things and cannot behave, which is frustrating. And while at times there is a physical need that should be addressed, there are also spiritual realities that must be reckoned with.
St. John Bosco interacted with children on a daily basis. In fact, he was like a foster parent to hundreds of boys through his work. Even though he wasn’t a parent biologically speaking, he was definitely a spiritual father to many. His wisdom shines clearly in the following letter.
Letter From St. John Bosco
This is the second reading from the Office of Readings for the Feast of Saint John Bosco in the Liturgy of the Hours or Divine Office. It is a letter written by him to the priests in his order, the Salesians. The Salesian order provided a home and education for orphan children, initially just for boys but then later for girls as well. In a way, these priests were the only parents these children had. I invite you to ponder with me St. John Bosco’s advice about anger and to incorporate it into your own life.
Second Reading
From a letter by Saint John Bosco, priest
I have always labored out of love
First of all, if we wish to appear concerned about the true happiness of our foster children and if we would move them to fulfill their duties, you must never forget that you are taking the place of the parents of these beloved young people. I have always labored lovingly for them, and carried out my priestly duties with zeal. And the whole Salesian society has done this with me.
My sons, in my long experience very often I had to be convinced of this great truth. It is easier to become angry than to restrain oneself, and to threaten a boy than to persuade him. Yes, indeed, it is more fitting to be persistent in punishing our own impatience and pride than to correct the boys. We must be firm but kind, and be patient with them.
I give you as a model the charity of Paul which he showed to his new converts. They often reduced him to tears and entreaties when he found them lacking docility and even opposing his loving efforts.
See that no one finds you motivated by impetuosity or willfulness. It is difficult to keep calm when administering punishment, but this must be done if we are to keep ourselves from showing off our authority or spilling out our anger.
Let us regard those boys over whom we have some authority as our own sons. Let us place ourselves in their service. Let us be ashamed to assume an attitude of superiority. Let us not rule over them except for the purpose of serving them better. [emphasis added]
This was the method that Jesus used with the apostles. He put up with their ignorance and roughness and even their infidelity. He treated sinners with a kindness and affection that caused some to be shocked, others to be scandalized, and still others to hope for God’s mercy. And so he bade us to be gentle and humble of heart. [emphasis added]
They are our sons, and so in correcting their mistakes we must lay aside all anger [emphasis added] and restrain it so firmly that it is extinguished entirely.
There must be no hostility in our minds, no contempt in our eyes, no insult on our lips. We must use mercy for the present and have hope for the future, as is fitting for true fathers who are eager for real correction and improvement.
In serious matters it is better to beg God humbly than to send forth a flood of words that will only offend the listeners and have no effect on those who are guilty.
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