The Town Sneezer

Author’s Note: I wrote this short story as a Birthday present for my youngest sister, who was perhaps 10 years old at the time.

“A-CHOO!”

In a very large room there stood a very little man, and his sneeze echoed about its corners while he listened quite carefully.  Thoughtfully, he pulled out an enormous white handkerchief and blew his red nose upon it.  That sneeze had been a very loud one, and he was quite pleased with it.  It was just as noisy as he had meant it to be, and finished off his morning exercises nicely.

The little man’s name was Augustine B. Huffy, and he was the Town Sneezer.  Sneezing was his business, and he loved it.  Whenever a fellow in town felt an itch up his nose, he would call Augustine, and Augustine would promptly come and sneeze for him.  It was a very important job, for none of the townsfolk liked a sneeze to interrupt their business, and so they were much happier to have Augustine do it instead.  He thoroughly enjoyed it, and spent a lot of his time practicing.  It wouldn’t do for a lady’s sneeze to sound like a man’s, or a man’s sneeze to sound like a lady’s, so he made sure to do them over and over each day to be quite sure that he could perform them correctly.  He practiced loud and quiet sneezes, thick and thin sneezes, fast and slow sneezes (his slowest took about five seconds), and even practiced animal sneezes!  (Some of the richer townsfolk didn’t like to have their cats or dogs or horses or turtles sneezing, either; only, Augustine didn’t have to perform turtle sneezes very often.)

On this particular day, just like every other day, after Augustine had finished his morning exercises, he closed up his sneeze-box (which was filled with all sorts of special dusts to produce the right effects), put it in his pocket, pulled on his hat and went out for his usual walk in the countryside.  It was quite sunny out, the sort of day that could make you sneeze if you’ve just walked into it from a dim room.  That was exactly what Augustine had done, and he sneezed a very small and polite

“choo!”

Augustine nodded in satisfaction as it wafted away from him, and he followed it down the dusty dirt road.

Away over the hills he went, closely observing everything around him.  He hoped to find some new flowers today, ones with nice, sneezy pollen that he could collect and put in his sneeze-box for later.  By and by he spotted one, a brilliant orange blossom that looked just perfect for violent sneezing.  Rubbing his hands together with excitement, Augustine trundled over to it, stooping on his little hands and knees to get a good look at it.

To his surprise, he found a tiny fairy yawning in the middle of the fiery bloom, disturbed from her nap by his thumping about.  She looked up at Augustine and asked him what he was doing, but Augustine was so shocked that all he could do, and quite without meaning to, was sneeze.

“Chooie!”

It was a little boy’s sneeze, a rather impolite one, and very rude regardless because Augustine’s face was quite close to the fairy, so that he sneezed all over her.

“Ooh!” Cried the fairy indignantly, looking down at her dirtied self in dismay. “Is that how you treat people?”

“Beg pardon,” Augustine said apologetically, “But I do it so very often, and I only wanted some pollen for my sneeze-box.”

“So you like to sneeze, do you?” The little fairy asked, shaking off her wings and rising in front of Augustine’s face.

“Oh yes, very much!” Augustine said, not realizing what a foolish thing this was to say.

“You impudent fellow!” The fairy said crossly. “I’ll teach you to mind others!”

And the next thing Augustine knew, she raised her wand and tapped it smartly on his nose.  Augustine saw a burst of sparkles and blinked, and when he looked again, the fairy had flown away.

Augustine straightaway became very worried, and quickly pulled out his sneeze-box.  He took a pinch of the very strongest powder and sniffed it.  It sent a tremendous tickle and itch up his nose, but no matter how hard he tried, he couldn’t sneeze.  He, Augustine B. Huffy, the Town Sneezer, couldn’t sneeze!  The itchle just stayed in his nose, quite at home, and the only way he could get the fearful thing out was by blowing upon his handkerchief.

“Woe is me!” He wailed aloud when he had finished, his nose even redder than usual.  “What will I do?  If I can’t sneeze, then the townsfolk will have to sneeze without me, and they shall get quite upset with me.  Their cats and dogs and horses and turtles will be sneezing, too; why, they might throw me out for all this trouble!  Ah me, oh my!”

Poor little Augustine went on in this way as he sadly walked back towards his house.  On the way, he met Diggory Furrow, who was a farmer and a good friend of Augustine.  Diggory liked Augustine’s sneezes: they kept the crows away from his corn.

“Well, hello there, Augustine!” He said when he had caught sight of him. “I could have used your help a moment ago.  I had an absolute whopper of a sneeze; it shook the roof, I expect. . . . But what’s the matter?”

“Oh, my poor Diggory,” Augustine said mournfully, “I cannot help you anymore, or myself or anyone else, for I can no longer sneeze!”

And he told Diggory the whole sad tale.  Diggory listened sympathetically, and at the end of it said, “Well, that really is rotten luck!  You didn’t mean any harm, though I suppose it was rude and rather hard on the fairy.  Still, you need your sneezer back, for everyone’s sake.  I bet that if we could find that fairy again, we could explain what a lot of trouble has been caused and get her to return your sneezer.  I’ll get everyone in the town to help us look for it.”

“But won’t they be angry with me?” Asked Augustine.

“Perhaps at first, but they’ll see that they need you and help all the same.”

And so they did.  Diggory got the entire populous organized into search parties and sent them off in every direction to scour the countryside.  Everyone, even the mayor himself, left their tasks to look for the fairy and Augustine’s sneezer, for they knew that if they were not found, all their work would be dreadfully syncopated.  All afternoon they searched, checking over every flower and under every leaf, from north to south and everywhere in between.  Finally, as the sun set and dusk was settling in, Diggory found the fairy.

It was no surprise, really, for the gloaming is the faerie time of day, and Diggory had just found a little fairy-ring near to where the orange blossom grew.  It was there that he saw a band of fairies dancing round and round, and he felt sure that one of them must be the mite that took Augustine’s sneezer.  Waiting patiently until the dancing had paused for a bit (for it is very unwise to interrupt a fairy-dance), Diggory called out as politely and quietly as he could, “Hello there!”

Instantly, the fairies scattered every which way, but Diggory kept talking, hoping that they would listen.  “Excuse me, kind fairies, but one of your kind has done something which she no doubt thought justworthy, but was actually rather troublesome.  She spirited away the sneezer of Augustine B. Huffy, who turns out to be our Town Sneezer.  He does it for a living, you see, and if he doesn’t get his sneezing powers back, the rest of us will have to suffer the bothersome bursts ourselves.  He meant no ill by sneezing on that friend of yours, and if he gets his sneezer back, I’m sure he won’t do it again.”

As Diggory explained all of this, one of the fairies flew gently down towards him from a nearby tree, and her face was quite remorseful.

“Oh dear!” She said, wringing her little hands.  “This is just too pitiful!  I am the fairy your Town Sneezer met.”

“Can you give his sneezer back?” Asked Diggory eagerly.

“If only I could!” The fairy replied.  “When he woke me this morning, I was very cross, and even crosser when he sneezed on me.  I was so upset that when I took away his sneezer, I flew straight away with it and dropped it in the river.  There’s no telling where it is now.  Oh!  I feel so badly about it now!”

Diggory accepted the poor fairy’s apology willingly, for the little mite was quite distressed; but it was with heavy footsteps that he turned back to tell his friends the bad news.  The townsfolk were dismayed, but Augustine most of all.

“What will become of me now?” He wondered aloud to his friend as they walked home.

“Perhaps I can teach you how to farm.” Suggested Diggory.

“That would please me.” Said Augustine.  “But I shall miss my sneezer.  Even now there is a tickle in my nose, but all I can do to stop it is blow upon my handkerchief.”  Pulling the white cloth out, he did so sadly, adding, “It doesn’t sound half so nice as a gusty sneeze.”

By then they had come to Diggory’s door.  Augustine left him there and turned to head for his own house.  He arrived to find a big pot of soup over the fire and his wife stirring it vigorously.  She was rather deaf, and had not heard the call to search for Augustine’s sneezer.  In fact, she probably did not know that it was missing at all.

“So there you are!” She said when she turned and saw him.  “The soup’s been waiting for you for hours!  I made it good and peppery, just the way you like it.”

“Thank you, dear,” Augustine shouted, and sniffed sadly.  Her soups always made him sneeze, but tonight it would not be so.  He stared at his bowl for quite some time before his wife convinced him to dig in.  After three bites, he could feel another itchle up his nose and reached for his handkerchief, but before he could blow into it—

“ACHOO!”

He sneezed, so strongly that his bowl flew off the table!

“Goodness!” His wife exclaimed.  Augustine stared bewildered at her.

“What did you put in that soup?” He bellowed so that she could hear.

“Potatoes, mushrooms, carrots, celery, a beef bone, plenty of spices, and fresh water from the river.  Why?  Is it too strong for you?”

Augustine B. Huffy shook his head, smiling.  He knew what had happened now.  His dear wife had accidentally caught his sneezer when she had gotten the fresh water, and put it in the soup!

“It’s marvelous!” He yelled to her, and that was that.

The townsfolk were extremely pleased to hear of Augustine’s good fortune, and very soon he was busy sneezing away for them all day.  Eventually he became sought after throughout the entire country, and grew very wealthy indeed.  He lived pleasantly for the rest of his life—and made sure never to sneeze on anyone’s face again.

The End